History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
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My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
This hospital has everything
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.