I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
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Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
If you know, you know
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.