As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
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At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
I gave up going to work for lent.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
yeah 😭
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs