You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
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Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I鈥檝e been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
I鈥檓 trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday鈥檚 will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She鈥檚 very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 馃檹
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it鈥檚 nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that鈥檚 gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn鈥檛 anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.