I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
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looks legit
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Cashiers are always checking me out
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head