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The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.