We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
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I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
you will never know the true number of layers
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Doug is just Canadian for dog
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.