The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
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Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
No regrets in 2018
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.