Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
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I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*