My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
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Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
*praying for world peace*
God:
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.