her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
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Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
japanese corn