Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
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me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking