DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
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Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE