draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
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my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
😂💯
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Found my door mat
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets