husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
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Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
I have no passwords left in me
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.