Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
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Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
some Old Testament wisdom