According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
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UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
I love it all
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I never needed anything more in my life
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Dammit Chief not again
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.