Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
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Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.