“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
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Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.