Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
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every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”