Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
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Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
cry laughing at this shit
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.