They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
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*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
excuse me
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.