Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
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There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
I can’t stop laughing at this
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.