My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
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The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING