Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
You Might Also Like
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.