Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
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Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
fr
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
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Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
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“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.