THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
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oh u like history? name everything that happened
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
I can fix him.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..