I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
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You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.