Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
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if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.