*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
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[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
sensitive skin
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son