One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
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We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Whoa 😂
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons