Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
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A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
This trial is so absurd 😭