fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
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No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
He’s cranky this morning
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.