β i donβt like taylor swift β π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©
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*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so Iβll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said βyou got this,β so itβs safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
black phone good
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, βAnd they never saw him again.β
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? Iβll call you later, relax.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
this is uni
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
justin timberlake: lose the βthe.β just βfacebook.β itβs cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name β back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.