I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
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Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
an airline just for babies.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys