Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
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Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
bout dat hot dog summer
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”