My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
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*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
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4.
5.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!