When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
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the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.