Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
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Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
It’s an epidemic…
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”