The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
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kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
All set.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Great acting.. 😂