Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
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Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.