WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
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7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
everyone has that one prude friend
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”