The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
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if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
[montage of me giving-up]
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
My god she’s good.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
No selfies while hijacking a train.