Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
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[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*