Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
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My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.