Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
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My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.