A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
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KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
who wants to go expliring
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent