life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
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Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Pot warmers of the day.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.