7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
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Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken