my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
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Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what